Roy sat back in the hospital chair a feeling of despair washing over him. His 6 month old son, Jackson, was cradled in his wife’s arms on the bed in front of him, his son’s breathing muffled and short. A nurse was at the bedside marking something down on a clipboard. She talked with Sarah, Roy’s wife, whispering some encouragement before walking out of the room.
Jackson their son had had trouble since he was born and was in and out of the hospital every couple of weeks. However this past month Jackson had made great strides and seemed to be recovering from his condition. The doctors were amazed and Roy and Sarah began to take hope. They imagined Jackson one day bright and healthy, all of these troubles just a distant memory they would reminiscent about.
Roy had imagined taking Jackson to his first T-ball game, taking him fishing, one day seeing him married with children of his own. He imagined all of this eventually being a distant nightmare from long ago. Something that would make them cherish their time with Jackson all the more.
But that was all shattered a week ago when Jackson took a turn for the worse, his old symptoms coming back with a vengeance. Roy had alternated between praying till sweat soaked his clothing to cursing God with all his might. And now he sat exhausted, tears streaking down his face. Part from frustration, part from sadness, and all from fear.
Roy found himself awake late in the night watching his wife and son sleep. Every couple of breaths Jackson would inhale sharply which set Roy on edge every time. But eventually Jackson’s breathing would return to normal at least for a bit. When this happened Roy would feel that sleep was a just little bit closer for him.
Roy was still awake in the early morning when the nurse came in.
“Still haven’t slept?” she asked softly.
Roy shook his head “Not yet.”
She nodded with a weak smile “The doctor will be here soon.”
Roy nodded as she began to take readings.
Roy was half asleep and half awake when the doctor finally walked in.
“Morning Mrs. Williams, Mr. Williams…it’s about time.”
Sarah had stirred from wake and nodded solemnly. She brought Jackson up to her and held him softly kissing his head as tears began streaming down her face. Roy got up from his chair and walked over to his wife. Sarah held Jackson tighter and began to sob harder.
Roy reached down and wrapped his arms around his wife and son as tears began rolling down his own face. Sarah then lifted Jackson up towards the nurse. But Roy picked him up and held him close one more time. He looked down into his son’s eyes so much like his own. He kissed his forehead and choked out.
“I love you so much buddy.”
He held him close again before handing him over to the nurse.
“We’ll take good care of him, I promise.” said the nurse.
Roy nodded wrapping his arms around his wife.
The next few hours seemed to last years. Roy paced back and forth in the waiting room while he wife sat quietly staring out the window at the snowy parking lot and grey sky outside.
Horror upon horror raced through Roy’s head but he did his best to drown them out. He prayed in his head frantically, not knowing what else to do. Occasionally his wife would reach out and grab his hand as he passed by. He would stop his pacing and look out the window with her for a few minutes before resuming.
Roy started when he heard the doors to the room open and the doctor walk out to meet them. His face was stern and expressionless. Roy felt his heart leap into his throat.
He looked down and sighed “I’m so sorry…”
Roy felt his world shatter as the rest of the words out of the doctor’s mouth seemed far away and distant, like hearing something in a dream. Jackson had died during surgery.
Roy sat numb as he watched the little coffin lowered into the ground. All the dreams he had of watching Jackson go through life vanished. No T-ball, no fishing, no watching him get married, no holding his little boy again. Roy felt as if his heart had turned to ice. Everything and everyone seemed faint, distant, and far away.
The faces all blended together that filed by him hugging him and offering their condolences. Sarah seemed more responsive, but Roy was far far away.
The next week was a string of family coming in and out of the house. Sarah’s mother stayed with them and her sisters were in and out to cook for them and check on them. This Roy noticed in passing as if watching a movie from behind a screen.
Eventually Roy went back to work where another round of condolences from the women and silence or stern nods from the men met him. Roy thanked them and set about burying himself in his work.
As the weeks went by Sarah seemed to reengage more and more with life and those around her. Her mother was going to stay with them another week which Sarah appreciated. She began cooking and socializing again. Roy’s parents would call every week as they had ever since the funeral to check on Roy. He told them he was fine but they didn’t believe him.
But how could he be fine thought Roy. Instead of the numbness gradually dissipating as Roy thought it would, it instead seemed to have crystallized around his heart. They say time heals all wounds thought Roy but he didn’t believe it. Some things cut deep and never truly heal he thought.
Roy laid down on his bed and fell into another dreamless sleep. He woke up far before his alarm was supposed to wake him and felt as if he hadn’t slept a wink. He rose up in bed and looked over at Sarah next to him, glad she was finally seeming to get some sleep.
He shifted over placing his feet on the cool carpet. He walked over to the window and looked outside, the yard was filled with snow. He watched his breath fog up the glass and pressed his forehead against the window, the cool sending a shock through his head. He still felt so tired but knew that he would not get back to sleep.
He showered, ate some breakfast, and made himself a cup of coffee. He sat at the kitchen table watching the snow fall outside. He hated the quiet and solitude, something he used to love. He was alone with his thoughts and with his pain.
His thoughts drifted towards Jackson. He began thinking if there was anything else he could have done. Was there something he could have done differently? Something that would have given Jackson a chance? Had he failed him somehow?
Roy knew such thoughts were not healthy and that he had done everything possible to ensure the safety and health of Jackson and that sometimes even when you do everything right things don’t go the way you want.
His thoughts then drifted to his life now. But they didn’t stay there for long. For the now did not hold much interest for him. He looked at the clock and saw that it’d soon be time to get to work.
That night heading home from work Roy decided he needed a detour. He called Sarah and told her that he’d be a little late. She asked him if everything was okay and like always he responded “Of course.”
Roy drove himself to a frozen pond that was about 15 minutes out of the way. He parked his car in a nearby lot and went out to the edge of the pond. A harsh bitter wind blew his coat around him while sending snow across the dark icy surface of the lake. The sky was pitch black, no different than as if it had been midnight.
He found a snow covered bench and brushed it off sitting down. One of his earliest memories was his father taking him to this pond to fish when he was a kid. He remembered his father saying “And one day you can take your own son here.”
This memory brought tears to Roy’s eyes, he hadn’t cried since before the funeral but now they welled up and streamed down and fell onto his jacket.
“Why?” moaned Roy his voice lost in the wind.
“Why!” said Roy again this time shouting.
Roy held his head down feeling foolish. He shook his head and stood up wiping the tears from his face. He took another look at the lake before heading back to his car.
He arrived home, greeted his wife, and said he just had an errand to run. That night Roy lay down and expected another night of dreamless sleep.
Roy opened his eyes to see a clear reddish sky above him.
“A dream?” he said.
He stood up and found himself in a wheat field that stretched out all around him as far as the eye could see. He saw the sun setting in the West but there seemed to be nothing else around him. A lazy pleasant breeze moved the tops of the wheat back in forth like a slow dance.
He reached out and felt the tops of the wheat around him, running his hands through them. They felt just as real as anything in real life. Roy shook his head and began walking through field. The breeze picked up slightly rocking the wheat back and forth.
He then heard a faint cry a few feet from him coming from below the stalks. He walked over to it, parting the plants, and gasped.
There on the ground lay Jackson reaching up towards the sky.
“Jackson!” cried Roy reaching down and picking up his son, cradling him in his arms.
Tears of joy began running down Roy’s cheeks. He could feel Jackson’s warmth and looked into his eyes seeing the same child he had held not too long ago.
Jackson gurgled happily his arms reaching up towards his father’s face.
“Jackson.” said Roy again this time almost a whisper.
Roy walked through the field holding his son staring down at him and embracing him tight every few minutes.
“Jackson I miss you so much.” said Roy.
Jackson continued to gurgle and look around him his hands reaching for Roy’s face. Roy laughed bringing him close.
Roy walked around with Jackson for what seemed like hours in that endless wheat field with the setting sun that never set.
He had put Jackson over his shoulder as he walked when he felt a change in the air. Roy couldn’t explain it but something had changed in the atmosphere around him.
Roy looked up and notice a shimmering veil had descended across the wheat field a ways in front of him. He felt drawn towards it and started walking in its direction. As he neared it he knew that he could not pass beyond, at least not yet. But he also knew that Jackson was to pass to the other side.
Roy cradled Jackson again who opened his sleeping eyes staring up at him. Roy felt a deep peace and knew that Jackson was to go beyond the veil. He sighed deeply and brought Jackson towards him kissing his son on the forehead.
“I love you so much Jackson, and I always will.”
Roy took one last look into his son’s eyes and then raised him towards the shimmering veil. Jackson became very light and seemed to dissipate into light as he passed through the veil.
“Until I see you again buddy.” said Roy tears again running down his face.
The sound of an alarm woke Roy from his sleep. He sat up feeling a peace that he had not felt in a long time. He sighed deeply the numbness having been dislodged from his heart. He looked at Sarah’s sleeping form beside him and leaned over kissing her on the forehead before walking to the window.
He looked out to see a surprising clear sky. The ground was covered with snow and it was pitch black outside. But the stars seemed to twinkle even brighter in the early morning light.
“I will see you again buddy.” said Roy his breath fogging up the window.
